He makes me Smile

He makes me Smile

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Survivors

Some stories need to be told and some just need to remain silent. I am debating about posting my work in any board as of today. It's something I have been thinking about a lot. If you have some insight or feedback let me know. I just made this page and I really love it but I guess I may be the only one. The journaling is really what is important I have to write these things down because if I die I want these things around. I had my appointment today with the Orthopedic surgeon my prognosis is not good but there is not much I can do about that. Tomorrow is the one with my family Dr and then I will have some answers. I am doing everything I am told to do. I am still tired all the time and that can drain anyone. The journaling on the layouts goes like this I think people always wonder what keeps us together after all these years. We have been together since I was 12 and you were seventeen which is a lifetime. We have five kids, one grandson. What people fail to see is the life we have built together the work we have put in keeping us being us. We have our ups and downs especially when it comes to the kids they are all adults now and it's hard for you to just let go. Easy for me to say I think in some ways I am the same. People ask us what is the secret to being together for so long. I always say you have to have a sense of humor when a person does something or says something you now is stupid. I mean if we only dwell on the negatives how can we find the good. We are not perfect by any means but what we are is loving to one another and we try to not let the little things get to us. I think it is easier for me than for you. I know there are times I make you angry and there are times you make me angry but there are also the times when you make me very happy. I think the thing I love the most about you is that you do love me for me. That you are always proud of the things I have accomplished and that even when I think you don'’t notice you do. The conversation between you and Nicole when you went to Puerto Rico "Nicole you have to take a picture of this fish I am eating your mom will love to scrap this", Now tell me what is not to love about that. So you see we have been through so much together sometimes it's hard to just be you and me it is always us. We are survivors in more ways than we can count. The thing that has survived the longest is our love for each other. Wanda and Jose in El Yunque, Puerto Rico 2005

Sunday, August 27, 2006

A story sometimes needs to be told.

I have wanted to record this story so my kids will have a legacy of all that makes our life. I want to honor this man I love so much not only with words but celebrating him. He is such a wonderful person and sometimes that gets lost in traslation. The story you are about to read is true and at the time it was a changing force in our lives. I have always loved Jose but after this day I not only loved him I learned that love can conquer all. Twenty three years ago our lives changed forever and to this day I have not been able to sit down to write what happened that day. The experience while it made us stronger almost took you away from me and it is hard for me to think about this and be calm about it. I was pregnant with Giovanni on April 3, 1983 we had just found out and while you were happy about this, Nyome was only six months old and you were concerned about me not being strong enough. I think we now laugh at that but at the time it was a real concern. The day started as any Sunday in our house bottles breakfast and the usual running around. You had some coffee but you were not hungry enough to eat so you left to go visit your Mom. She lived up the street so if I needed you all I had to do was send Joey to get you. I remember the sound that ripped my heart in two and lives in my memory forever. I was sitting down giving Nyome her lunch and as usual she was not to happy about it. All of the sudden I hear the sound of bullets being fired. I remembered you told me never go out when you hear that noise, but something told me I had too and I told Joey to stay with the baby and I ran out in my house dress and sandals to see what was going on. I can’t really explain with words the impact of what I saw and how it changed my life forever. I lost my innocence in that one moment when I saw you trying to stand up your shirt full of blood and people yelling you had been shot by a drive by shooter. I ran to you as fast as I could and held you in my arms and started yelling for someone to bring a car so we could take you to the Hospital. I remember that trip so vividly you were lying down in the back seat trying to calm me down I could see the blood in your face in your stomach and in your legs. I was not sure how many times you had been shot but you kept telling me to be calm that everything was going to be ok. I tried I really tried, you asked me to make sure they did not take your boots because they were your only pair of boots. I promised I would make sure no one stole your boots. These are the things I remember the doctors taking you in the emergency room and starting to cut off your clothes and take off your boots. They ran with you to the x-ray room and I was not allowed there because of my pregnancy. I stood at the door and watched while you were bleeding out your kidney and they debated if the bullet that had hit your face was in your brain because they could not find an exit wound. I could see you had a tube going out that was filling with your blood but you never lost your consciousness. A surgeon came in and started looking at your face and saw a small little hole right next to your nose and said this is the exit wound let get this guy to surgery. I remember as they wheeled you out of there you grabbed my arm and asked me for Joey and I said he is home with my Mom don’t worry. You said I love you and I just wanted to cry but I remembered I needed to be strong then you said where are my boots and I ran to see the orderly and asked for your boots. The guy said you were going to die anyway what was the point. I said he asked for them I guess he needs them. I got the boots and ran to the surgery floor and the longest hours of my life were about to begin. You had suffer multiple gunshots to your leg, your back, and your face. The bullet that entered through your back traveled all around before it exited out of you body. You lost your left kidney and you had five perforations in your stomach, duodenum, and colon transversal. The surgeons came out when they could not save your kidney and told me right now it a 20/80 chance he will make it. I looked at him and said oh he will make it he needs his boots. Those boots that I held in my lap for more than 12 hours while they tried to repair your broken body. They came out again to tell me they could not do anything with the bullets in you leg because it would do more damage than good so the shattered bones would have to heal with the bullets inside of you. When the surgery was over you were put in intensive care and I could only see you for ten minutes everyday. You were connected to machines and you had a colostomy, you had a cast in you leg and your face was a little bruised. You were alive and that was all that mattered. I would go home and pray that you would make it through the night. One night you stopped breathing and they had no idea what was going on. You were gone for a minute or so and I was home on my knees praying for a miracle at that time. You came back and after that two days later you were allowed to be out of intensive care and in a regular room. We spent the next month and a half in the hospital you could not eat or drink for a long time. You had to get used to the colostomy and I slept on a chair next to you almost every night. I have no idea who took care of the kids I needed to be with you. All I could think about was he needs to get stronger we need to get out of here. I left one day to see the kids and get some clothes for you the doctors had been talking about letting you go home. I wanted to make sure I had your clothes, we had to move to my mothers house so I could take care of you since you could not work. We could not afford to live in the house we rented. The doctors where worried about my pregnancy but I was stubborn and would not leave. When I came back happy at the thought of bringing you home the surgeon was coming out of your room with this face that made my world stop. He said to me that there was a problem with your colostomy they thought your intestines were dying and you had necrosis inside. I just looked at him and said we need a second opinion. I don’t know where I got the courage to be so strong and advocate for you but I did. The baby inside of me was suffering enough I was not going to loose his father because someone was making a wrong diagnosis. They came into the room with a team and started talking like we were not there. I said hey we are both here and we are not stupid will you please talk to us. One of the surgeon was arguing that what happened was when they did the colostomy they had hurt a small blood vessel and the blood stopped flowing so you developed a piece of skin that had died but that everything else was fine. The others thought you had necrosis and you would not survive more than 36 hours. The surgeon then took the bag away from your colostomy took a bottle of distilled water and started cleaning you and the piece of dead skin fell of and the other surgeons just stood there and watched. Two days later we where sent home and our lives would change forever. Crutches, colostomy bags, adhesives and cleaning supplies became a normal part of our lives. Dr’s appointments, and late night massaging you knees and calf because the pain was so horrible and you could not bend your knee. I remember sitting on the floor and massaging you for hours. Until the knee started moving and bending some. I was getting big with child and we needed to find a place to live. I would go to the government offices and wait hours to see someone to talk about an apartment. In October finally when I though I would have the baby living at my mother’s house we got the apartment and moved. I remember those stairs that fourth floor apartment and no elevator and not being able to help during the move. Giovanni was born and three months later we went to my grandfathers church to present him to God and the congregation. I wanted to remember that day forever and I took these photos of you holding Giovanni and that look on his face that reminded us of all the suffering he had while he was inside me. He was your boy everywhere you went he wanted to be with you. I remember he refused to take bottles so you would take him and bring him back so I could feed him and then off you two went. I think that is when he started smiling, when you showered him with attention. I found these photos I taught I had lost when we moved to Wisconsin and I could remember so clearly why these photos where so important they show a boy with his father but they don’t tell the tale of how we almost lost you. I wanted that to be a part of the book of our lives. The good the bad and the ugly is what makes us what we are today. It is hard for people to understand why we had two more kids after that but you wanted eight my compromise was five. I look at our family and realize twenty three years ago if I had not listened to my heart you might not be here today and the photos that are part of this collage would never exist. I don’t want to dwell on what happened we have moved on but I want our kids to remember that everyday we have with you is a blessing that we should never take for granted. I have always loved you 33 years and counting and to me that day we became one. Everyday I thank God he let you stay with us. I don’t know what my life would be without you. You are not perfect but you are perfect for me and that is all that matters. As our kids get older the story might not be remembered but now it will live on. Not to dwell but to celebrate that you are not a victim you are a SURVIVOR. Events happened April 3,1983;the Journaling August 25, 2006. The layout is a collage of my kids our grandson and a 23 year old photo that means so much to me. I am glad I have a way to capture these memories. Thank you for reading and make sure you say hi if you come and visit!! Hugs Wanda

Thursday, August 24, 2006

It has been a while but I think my news will make up for it!

Ok the last month has been hectic and wonderful and uncertain. I am going to be having surgery but I still don't know when so keep me in your thoughts. Wonderful because I was asked by the People at Simple Scrapbooks to be a part of their
DIGITAL SCRAPBOOKING CREATIVE BOARD 2007 For Simple Scrapbooks Digital Magazine. This means that for the year 2007 I will be a part of this amazing group of woman that I really admire.

I was thinking about my journey in creating and the road that has brought me here and there is one person I really have to thank it is my twenty year old son who bought me this awesome computer two years ago next month, that allows me to do the things I do and to my almost 24 year old daughter who helped me upgrade it so it would be even more powerful. You are only as good as the tools you have. If I had not won that contest two years ago for Joann's I would have not been able to afford my digital Rebel camera. So you see life is all about full circle things.
Here I am today sharing with all of you out there that I am a part of something I have always wanted I am still pinching myself here. That I can share my art and be who I am and be proud of those I represent. As a Puerto Rican Woman I am very proud of this, As a wife I am proud, as a mother I am proud. As a Artist I feel I can say hey here I am. It makes the journey so much sweeter when you can share it with those you love. To my girls in Scrapbooking Puerto Rico I hope we continue to grow strong and you are proud of me. To the women who have offered me their friendship through out the years I have been doing this creating thing I want to say Thank you for inspiring me to be the best that I can be. I hope that in the coming months I continue to be inspired and that I create things that show you a little of who I am and what makes me who I am. There is this lady that I so totally love who wrote this to me today. (Your digital work was a big part of my deciding to go digital--so I really do think the kudos are well deserved. ) What is really sweet about this is that when I first saw her work I could not believe the things she could do with her pages. I would stalk her gallery and when she had something published I would look at the details she used in her pages. I am honored to call her friend. I leave you guys here with some of my work and hope that you are inspired to just go out there and create. The credits for these layouts are lots so here they go A quick Note Gina Cabrera Shabby mega kit. Amy pea font P22cezzane font. Sisters Cocoa love kit SBBP P22cezzane font Damaris Shabby Princess sweet serenity kit font papyrus He is my heart, Shabby Princess Gina Cabrera. Font Ribbon My Inspiration Katie Pertiet quote Michelle Coleman Swirls digi chick paper shabby princess overlay My world complete stamped font ink edges NRJfrebbies. Everything else mine Rollerskating Everything her is mine except the fonts. Total wipeout Tia Dude kit Jumble stamp font. You Evak, Tia Bennet Paper, Evak Paper, Michelle Coleman ink edges and paper Katie Pertiet word art quotes font Pea Tracy. If you come by make sure to leave some love because you know I love you all!! Hugs Wanda

Monday, August 07, 2006

The life of the Artist or I really do think way to much.

So today I am home this will be my only full week of Vacation nothing planned and I am going to rest and think about curriculum but that is about it. This week will be about creating and enjoying me. I was thinking I have fallen behind in scanning my work so if you see lots of pages they are months of work that because my scanner was dead I could not scan. Not a good thing when you have deadlines but I have no control over some things. The scanner is fine now, it was a software issue so looks like I have a lot of scanning to do. It's hot in my office but since the weather is better I can be here a little longer. I wanted to write and entry today about my creative process and then talk some about Obesity and some of the issues that come from being obese lets see how this goes. I might ramble some but hey it's ok if you get tired of reading the pictures are good too. Someone asked me what is my creative process I thought about it and answered my photos really are what guide what I create. When I see a photo that talks to my heart I have to scrap it. I don't scrap in order dates are not important when you are creating to leave a legacy of love. My intent in creating is to make sure that my kids know what I feel, good or bad and my state of mind. I tell them often enough but if I am not around I want them to have the words somewhere so they can remember their crazy photo taking mother. When I take photos I don't have people pose I just follow people around and shot away. Sometimes I capture something so unique I run to the printer and print the photo right away and then get to work. Depending on my mood the layout may be a little simple or have all the bells and whistles. Like I said it all depends on the photo and the moment. I mainly scrap 8x11 photos but know with my new printer I have even more options to have even bigger photos so I am excited about that. I love my kids for giving me this mothers day gift this year. They always ask me what I want I am truly blessed in that way. I am an eclectic artist I paper scrap and design digital pages too. I love both mediums because they challenge me in different ways. I think that I love to do Hybrid pages for that reason. Pages that start digital and then end up also in my paper layouts. I have one I just scanned but haven't stitched together yet. I also want to share the mood of what I was feeling when I see the photos and what I want people to get when they see the page. Art talks to everyone in a different way. When I see pictures that remind me of my childhood I have to give them a special place in my books. It's all about honoring the traditions you want to pass on to your kids. My books have a little bit of everything. I have over forty five albums and they are all filled with my thoughts and my wishes for my family. I use three ring binders for my pages because some of my pages are a little bumpy and I want to make sure they have room to grow. I started scrapping in 2001 the year I turned 40 and I have been in love with this hobby ever since. I have had the privilege of meeting some amazing artist along the way and develop beautiful friendships with people far and near. I don't really follow trends I just flow with what makes me happy. I think the only way you can achieve your true potential is by being yourself and through my art I do that. You see when I am creating I am no different than anyone my talent doesn't see obesity and any other problem I may have. When it comes to creating that to me is beauty. I can create and share and just be me and not worry about what others are doing because if it makes me happy that is all that matters. I am happy when people reach milestones and fame but to me it's so much more than that. It is about being true to yourself and not have your spirit broken to remain honest and to keep growing and creating. I am a life long learner so I am always curious to try out new things and techniques but it all has to fit within the style that makes me happy. It is hard to explain but to me every page is a little piece of me so they are individuals that fit into the whole of my world. I believe in the power of being connected and through my art I am able to achieve that. Always staying connected to the things I love and feel passionately about. Today's pages are a combination of my love for my country and my family, I hope you enjoy this journey of discovery with me. I will be talking more about obesity in my next entry since this one is kind of long. Love you all out there in Cyber space and know that only you have the power to change the things that you are unhappy about. It is not going to happen unless you do the work. I have learned that the hard way. Hugs Wanda

Saturday, August 05, 2006

What is the POINT really!!

Ok here I am almost two months again without posting you would think I would of figured this out by now if I have a blog I am suppose to write and let people know what I am thinking. The problem is the last two months have been on what I call the dark side and while I have no problem sharing these things that make me human sometimes I just have to sit and think about what is the best course of action for me. I love to write and share my thoughts and looking back at where my mind was at any given time. The problem is that unless you really know me you don't always get the picture. I have been creating which is good I am working on a swap right now that I need to get in the mail by Monday, It's already late but this is the reason I don't do swaps because my life has a way of getting in the way of anything I plan ahead of time. The last two months have been about Dr's appointments and pain and more Dr's appointments and more pain. Depression that comes from the amount of pain I am in and because I realize that I am not in a good place I always consult with my Dr if I need to go back to taking my medication. Right now that is where I am. I have no cartilage or cushion on one of the joints in my left knee so I have bone on bone action going on in my left knee. The outlook is a knee replacement regardless of losing weight or not. So the road to my health and being able to walk is to loss weight because I need to be healthier for the prospect of this surgery. So that is one of the things I will be focusing on these next few months. I started doing some changes nothing big just making sure I ate three times a day and that I only ate if I was hungry and I have lost 25 pounds. Took me a month to loose that much but if anyone is obese they know this is just one step in the right direction, the next few months are about going to Dr's appointments, consults and support groups because I have a very important decision to make related to my health and my future. I will be writing more about this as the months go by and I learn more about what the future will hold for me. The thing about me is that I love me the person I am the spirit that lives in me and that is never going to change. I know my husband loves me regardless of what my weight is, or how I look. My worries have to do with my health which right now except for my knees and sleep apnea is pretty good. I want to continue this way so this is what this journey is about. I am scared but I have a very supportive family that loves me and wants the best for me. I will be talking in my next entries about morbid obesity and how this disease has taken over my life and what I want to do to help myself. In the designing front I think something big is going to happen next year and I am looking forward to this, I continue to do the things I love, defining my style not by trends but based on the things I love to do. I am focusing on the positive not on the negative. I have no time for drama my life is filled with that I don't want my designing to be that. I feel happy with what I create and that is the most important thing. I am happy, happy inside my soul and knowing that even though sometimes life can get dark I am able to come out of the fog stronger and with a new sense of where I want to go and who I want to be. Sometimes it takes courage to be able to let others see how vulnerable you really are but for me is a matter of principle I am not perfect I am human and my humanity shows in everything I do. Life is all about that and people that are not able to see that are losing to much of themselves in the process of denial that comes with that. I have this saying with me what you see is what you get but people sometimes only focus on the beauty of what is outside not in the things that are part of the soul which are the things that make us beautiful after all. Here are some of the pages I have created in the last months, I have more I just need to scan and post. Hugs Wanda