I feel !!

Well today is a day of contemplation and being true to myself I will start this post by saying these are just my thoughts and nothing but my thoughts and I in no way shape or form want anyone to think otherwise. Today is Thursday it has been a long week for me and I really don't know why except for the state test the kids had to take at school and being in charge of that is a big deal. Proctoring an exam of that nature leaves you mentally tired. Anyways back to my post. My question to myself is what do you want for the future? These are not everyday thoughts these are things I need to deal with. Lets face it I am not a 30 year old artist trying to discover herself. I already know who I am. I am an artist a woman who loves to create who does not feel the need to apologize because she is fat and doesn't fit the norm that society has imposed on woman who are in the public eye. When any manufacturer wants their product to be showcased let say on TV do you think I am the one that is going to be called. I don't think so. See I am ok with that not because I am sitting down here conforming because inside myself lives this person who is very sure of who she is. The flip side there is also this person who feels invisible and dealing with her is a constant pain. Reasons why I feel invisible are many some of them are rational, like the one were people say well you know when I am dealing with people I don't really see their color I just see people. HELLO if you don't recognize my identity in it's totality how can you acknowledge my existence. Some are more subtle and hard to explain but all 375 pounds of me totally disappear for some people and let me tell you that is not an easy task. Especially considering my size. Yeah I am big, proud and beautiful. I am tired of hearing people complain about who they are and how they feel because they are big. Whatever happen to loving oneself because our lives are worth living. I really do love me and if I do loose weight good but if I don't I really truly love me and that in the big picture of life really is what matters. I know some very beautiful people that are walking around hating themselves and that is just not me. Maybe I am just full of myself but that is where I am and like I said at the beginning these are my thoughts and I can write them. I have a serious dislike for people that lie I really do, my kids know this so even if it hurts me and I get hurt a lot they will tell me the truth because in our house that is the policy. I love that about my children. When I find out a person lies that person will forever be in my list of people not to trust, I may deal with them especially in the industry I have chosen to be a part of but I don't trust them. I am very polite about this but it's what I do to protect myself. Finally in order to become the person I want to be I have to dream big and pursue my dream. I have to keep going with my vision of what I am going to do for myself and the goals I want to achieve. I think for a minute I lost my vision and the focus and got confused. Things I will do to keep focus. 1. I will not be used by others 2. I will keep loving myself everyday because I am beautiful and a wonderful person. 3. I will celebrate the fact that I am Boricua everyday of my life and if people don't want to hear it they can move on. 4. I will celebrate the real friendships I have and honor them everyday by being who I am and nothing else. 5. I will take photos and enjoy the eye I have to take those moments through my camera and not apologize for my ability. Modesty is ok but being sure of one's ability is a must in life. 6. I will try to educate people that don't understand digital scrapping that sometimes a digital designers takes hours to make a perfect layout and still people don't get it. I lived through this over the weekend and bit my tongue but no more I will speak my mind in the long run it is the best thing I can do. 7. I will continue to pursue my creative side with paper and paint and have fun in the process. I will do the things that make me happy and rediscover my love for all the things I love creating. 8. I will be me and only me and hope the world can deal with me. No apologies just rejoicing in the love of me as a person that not only deserves to be loved but that is loved by many. Enjoy the photos and the layouts Dreamer has never been seen before. Hugs Wanda