He makes me Smile

He makes me Smile

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Romance Books, Novels, Ebooks - Epublishing

Romance Books, Novels, Ebooks - Epublishing I am on a reading kick these days as fibro has taken its toll and I learn to live and grieve the lost of all that I was the last fifteen years, I decided to find the thing that kept me sane when Jose was not with us for a while, when I was trying to make sure I did not forget my English when I lived in Puerto Rico and because I am a born New Yorker with Brooklyn always in my heart, English always has had a special place in my heart. I was raised in a house where Spanish was the Language spoken and went to church in a Spanish Speaking church, traveled between New York and Puerto Rico when I was of School age so I could become bilingual but when I turned Eleven the traveling stopped, my mom bought a house in the Island and the rest as they say is history. I never forgot that the only way to retain language is to speak it and write and read it. Speaking was harder because unless you had to others who spoke that was not going to happen, but reading , reading was my way to enter into another world and nothing got into the way of me and my books. I love to read and I love romance novel, and all genres that the term entails from sweet to kink. I can read Diana Palmer one Day and the next day Marilyn Lee gets my attention. I feel that when I read I can lose myself for a few hours and not think about all the darkness that has been a part of my life the past year. I haven't been ready to talk about it, the reality of waking up every morning with so much pain you really don't know if you are going to be able to function. I hate that my hands are constantly shaking and I have no control over that. It means that my hands are often weak and I can't create the jewelery I love to make, or make scarves or for that matter scrapbook because until I can get a grip of the amount of weakness and the levels of pain, I am reserving my energy to being in the moment and enjoying my family the best way I can. That means I get a lot of time with my I-phone and apps and lots of reading. I do love to read and because the phobe does not weight much I can carry it in my hand and it doesn't hurt much. Don't get me wrong I have a high pain tolerance but this is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. Some days I just lock myself in the bathroom take a shower and cry. Then I am reminded that at least I am alive and that even in pain I have things that I need to work through and I pick myself up grab a book when I can't move around and read. That makes me happy, I have read over 600 books and counting since October when I went on Sick leave and lost my job all at the same time. I have been doing a lot of thinking since then, a lot of it has to do with the grieving of the lost of a job that meant the world to me, and the fact that I wont be able to be in the classroom anymore at least not anytime in the near future. One of the things I was battling right before I was put on medical leave by my Dr was panic attacks, that were trigger by memories of abuse that happened when I was younger and got reawakened when I was being harassed by a group of people that had no idea what they where doing. I don't think people understand all the complex issues that PTSS brings to a human being we always talk about it when it comes to soldiers and people that have been in war zones. The reality is that some children grow up in houses that can be considered war zones and are exposed to things that bring with them so much trauma that we have our own internal war. I think when I lost my 275 pounds I was left so fragile I was not able to recognize just how fragile I was, I know that in October I just lost it I was really panicky and in my own world not able to even move out of my bed some days. I was paralyzed by fear, and then I got the news I was being fired and my world went from bad to worst. Now the details of why I was fired make a long story short I was careless when it came to the credits I was taking to renew my license for teaching, it didn't help that for three of those five years I had been sick and recovering from three major surgeries and had no money to take credits outside what the district offered and I just took the wrong ones the ones I took from the University all 69 Graduate credits I had taken had expired because they don't let teacher bank graduate credits in this State. I look at all my credits and the years I have invested in my education and the technicality that got me fired. I did not have the energy or the health to fight this. I also had produce documents that were not accurate, the desperate act of a woman in desperation herself. when I look back I feel so sad and all I want to do is cry, but I know I have to move on. I realize the reason it hurts so much is because I really love my student, the adults in the building well some are always going to be in my heart, especially the Math department who gave me a home when my own department treated me like what I had to say did not matter. I have never belong to the old boys club, oh well. I have lived and I am learning. I will always have in my heart a place for the math department they know who they are and one of them will be hearing from m soon. If I find my card, hint hint. Anyways this is just a little part of the drama that has been going in my life in my life lately I finally can write about it and finish the sentences and it reads almost coherent even if it doesn't make sense others. I needed to write this down on my blog I know my students read my blog and I want them to know I am not coming back , but that they will always live in my heart and soul. I am just an Email away and you guys know my phone. As of today I go to therapy two times a month or more depending on where I am emotionally, being around large crowds still gets me panic filled and I have to keep my medicine at hand in case I loss it. I have no idea when this will go away I am working on it. I need closure in some things so I need to make sure I deal with my fears and panic so I can get it done. I have no source of income I cashed in my retirement money got hit with a huge penalty and we have been living with that paying the house and bills. I can't work not as a teacher or around people so what alternatives are there for me are a home business that I can manage but because I am in pain 75% of the day I am at this point at a lost of what I will do. Some days I can't hold the tweezers, my hair is cut really short because even brushing hurts so short hurt it is. I never thought I would have to reinvent myself again but it seems that is the road I am going to be taking soon, So I am some times feeling like an island abandoned in the ocean of life, instead of the river that flows towards the ocean to meet my ocean my beautiful Jose. He has been my rock my kids have loved me and worried about me but know that I am trying to be the best parent I can be regardless of the pain. I try not to complain much it really doesn't do much it just is. I am just me and I use to carry 475 pounds in this 5 foot body and that was painful, this pain is ten times worst, some days it feels like someone is stabbing a knife in my shoulders and arms and neck. Some times it just a constant pulse and pounding. Hey its my life who said it was boring I can't make this stuff up even if I tried. I wanted to update this part of the blog the personal Wanda has been absent and the reason, also talk about how books have kept me sane during this time, I am thinking of writing but that hurts to. Hey it doesn't mean I am not going to do it, it means it takes me longer to do anything, and I mean anything. I can't leave the house on a whim I start to panic everything has to be planned. It's hard living like this for me, I use to be a spur of the moment person. There is so much more to TALK about I promise keep this blog going one of the things I want to do is talk about how a book make me feel. Not a review, there are plenty of those around I want to talk about the feelings evoked by a book I have just read, it will be interesting because I know for a fact feelings are an important response when a person is writing any kind of romance/erotic writing. Hey it will keep me busy, the days I am not babysitting. Now the family Things are moving forward in our family as always Jose my oldest is always looking for answers he knows are already inside of him. I think because he was born I had no Idea what I was doing the level of trauma he has due to our mistakes in his upbringing are things that affect him. I have apologized talked it to death but still I think he doesn't believe me. I personally think he is a wonderful young man who has a great heart and is willing to help anyone who needs him. I think I am honored to have a son like him, I did have him when I was 13 and Jose was 18 so we kind of did not really know what we were doing. Nyome now just got married to Jordan, and they are about to give us our first granddaughter Zoe which is really exciting, see I have many reasons to live even when there are days when I wish for someone to take me out of my misery. Anyways after Ny lost Mitchell when Zion was six months old and for a while I wasn't sure if she was going to survive so much pain, she found a young man who had a daughter himself , and they have blended their families together. So now we have from Nyome Jimmy 10, Lexus 7 , Zion 2 years 10 months and then in September of October we will be joined by Zoe. My grand kid pool is five now when Zoe is born. The wedding was beautiful and personal and Nyome looked beautiful. They both looked very in love with each other, I wish that she has a life of love and caring with him. Gio as always working hard at whatever he is doing he does it well, I think some days he looks at me and gets frustrated and I feel I have disappointed him but I know he worries about my health and has a hard time seeing me in pain. Hope that he continues to have the heart of gold he has always had when it comes to his family. Nicole and George man what a blessing has it been for Nikki to find this guy in her life he makes her happy and that is a blessing. I love George he is so sweet and caring of her and she of him. They are good together. They officially adopted Whinny our cat is living with them and he is being loved and pampered by them. They went to Puerto Rico so Nicole could meet his family for her Birthday this year. Last week the were at a Renaissance Fair She and George made the costumes they where awesome. Waiting to see what the future brings for those two. Then last but not least it's John Michael Stephanie and Jose Miguel this little family is so precious to me, my youngest son is a wonderful father I look at him with little Jose and he is just like his Dad there is something that just hits my heart every time I see him with Jose makes me so happy to know that as parents we have set a good example for our kids of how to parent and love. I babysit Joselito once a week and he is so adorable he absolutely adores me. There is no love like the love of a child it is unconditional and pure. My Mom as always beautiful and strong she officiated Nyome's wedding it was beautiful I was so proud of her she is 70 and going on strong. I love it to watch her be so strong I hope that I can be like her if I reach that age. Ok now to share some photos so you can enjoy with me the beautiful memories that I have recorded during this year of absence, send good thoughts my way don't feel sorry for me that defeats the work that I am trying so hard to do. I have a long way to go and my road to recovery is not going to be easy but what I need from the people that care about me is to know that I am loved and that they don't stand in judgment of me or my life. I send the my love out there to the people who are constantly looking for an update from me. Hugs and peace always