He makes me Smile

He makes me Smile

Monday, December 03, 2007

Reflections in my mind and in my soul!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words so I look at these photos and I am overwhelmed by the emotions I feels when I look at them. Zion keeps growing and delighting us and Jimmy is a wonderful big brother. Nyome loves being a mom a it shows. Life has not been easy for her but she keeps focused on her kids and that in the end is really what matters. When you bring children into the world they come with no instructions, so it is up to us to make sure we protect love them and guide them, so they can become all they want to be. I reflect on this because as my kids get older and they are having children of their own and I see that my teachings have not been in vain. So life while not easy or simple is moving forward. Today I want to talk about my feelings after almost a year of having gastric bypass surgery. I want to make sure that people understand that these are just my thoughts and a way for me to heal and make sure that if anyone is going through the same kinds of things they know they are not alone. I feel as this journey continues that sometimes I am alone but that is just part of the process. When I was 429 pounds a year ago and looking at a double knee replacement, I had done a lot of research about this surgery. For three years me and my DR had talked about the possibility of doing this because all the traditional methods I had tried for years were not working. I had changed my whole lifestyle and eating habits of all my family and everyone was healthier and I was not, I kept gaining weight. SO as my work with Dr. Keil moved on and I read more and more about the surgery I decided this was something I needed to consider and I did. I started seeing the team at Dean Clinic and the rest is history with all the documentation on my medical file and almost six months of a supervised diet my surgery was approved and the road to change was about to begin. On Dec 12, 2006 Dr Sunby operated on me and this new me started to emerge. The healing of my scar was pretty good. I only had one hot spot and that healed after a month of so. AS the weight came off my body began to shift and change, my abdomen became bigger than the rest of my body and in May I had a panniculectomy and that brought many other changes so very positive and some kind of hard to deal with. In October of this year I had to have a Hernia repair and mesh reconstruction of my abdomen. That healed pretty good and I finally feel like I am gaining my strength a little by little life is getting back to normal. Did I know when I started this journey that all this was going to happen? Would I still have done it if I had known? The answer to all those questions is yes, because when I had this surgery I was doing it for me and so that I could run around after my grand kids and be there for them as they got older. People have asked me if I have regrets and do I miss food? My answer to them is not really I don't miss food because I can eat almost anything I just eat small quantities of food. I have to be aware what I put in my mouth because some foods can make me sick but that is about it. The regrets if any have to do with the lost of self and no knowing what my space in the world is anymore and those things are not concrete enough for people to understand. I finally feel like I can talk about this because though working with my Dr and my therapist I am learning that healing is a process that needs to be embraced so it can be an effective tool not only for you but for those affected by you. I know that I don't exist in a vacuum and my family and people that I love are there and I need to be there in the moment with them regardless of what might be going inside my head. So everyday I realize that even though I may be struggling with my inner thoughts and feelings I keep going on because I know that there has to be an answer inside of me to the conflicts that are deep inside of me. The struggle I have has to do with the space I occupy in the world, as a big person my persona seemed to be larger than life and powerful, for a long time I was not feeling that way. I was feeling lost and mourning the lost of me. I have lost over 200 pounds and that is a full sized woman in itself, and in losing her I almost lost me. I looked at myself in the mirror and I could not recognize me, I would put on clothes and be lost in them and then I started loosing my hair and life as I knew it really changed. All my life the one thing that had defined me was my beautiful curly hair and as it kept falling so did all the layers I was using to hide. I realize know that part of the reason I have felt so lost is because being a big woman protected me from dealing with the issues of abuse and lost I had as young kid. As the fat came off the insecurities came out and the me I had so hard to work to create became the seven year old who did not know how to protect herself from the predators that where around her. I have never felt so vulnerable in my life, there was almost a fragile quality to this new me that was emerging and I was really sure I did not want to be a fragile woman. All my life I had worked so hard to be the person I was and all that was lost and I had to find it in order to get better, not only physically but emotionally. This process is continuous I find myself always making sure that I analyze the reasons why I do the things I do. I try to not take for granted what I have and I try to share with other my experiences to see if they can help anyone. There is still a part of me that feels I have betrayed all the beautiful big people out there that embrace who they are everyday. The people I fight so hard to make sure they are not discriminated against. Fat jokes and making fun of big people are such a staple of our society and I know the cruelty that comes from that. Being fat has given me a different perspective on the way the world deals with discrimination. some one said to me once you have a double whammy you are fat and a Latina woman. I told that person well I have double the love to give, but as I lost the fat the insecurities and pain where so strong I knew I needed help. I am feeling better and I embraced my baldness and the lost of all those layers of fat and I am learning that each day is an adventure that I have to embrace. I know I still have more work to do but as long as I realize this the battle is half won. I have more to share about this so keep reading my blog to find out what I am doing. I have included images of me through out this journey so you can see some of the changes. Remember to embrace the you that is inside and that faults and all you are a beautiful person. That my friends is a lesson I will never forget. Much love and hugs Wanda