My life as always is a series of movements that all combined are the essence of what makes me the person I am today but for whatever reason also makes me think of things way to much and I decided I needed a rest from Cyber space so I could figure out what was really getting to me. It is not easy going through changes in our own personal world. When those changes involve not only you but all the things you always strive for. Combine that with a family that is also in constant change and fluctuation and you get me. While it is not an excuse for being absent so long it is more of an explanation as to why I stopped blogging and writing even though both things are important in my life and make me happy. What I know is that since June my life has taken many roads, some of which I can share with everyone and some of which can't be really shared because they involved people in my family that need to be protected and I do like to respect the wishes of those I love. I will start by sharing that I have a new grandson his name is Zion Xavier and he was born on September 10, 2007 at four o'clock in the morning. I was his mother's doula and what an honor to be a part of my daughter and my grandson's life in this way. My daughter Nicole and I where there to assist her and the photos we took tell the story of a little boy brought into this world with love and a family that will always be there to protect him. He is getting bigger and bigger as the weeks turn into months. His Mom and him have bonded and big brother Jimmy loves being a big brother. I love that I can see the development of this precious child and document him. I think that is a blessing I will never take for granted. Thanksgiving was wonderful except My older son was working and could not make it but otherwise my kids were there. Jimmy was with his Dad and this place our home is not the same unless he is around. I had my third surgery on October 11, 2007 Hernia repair with mesh. It has taken a while for my body to get back into the swing of things but now it looks like it might. The Dr says I may go back to work on January 22, 2008 so I am looking forward to that I miss my students and the energy they bring to my life. I think in the mist of all the changes it is important that I revisit the day my life changed forever.
On Dec 12, 2006 I underwent gastric bypass surgery on of the photos is the collage is of me the day of my surgery. I was out an about walking right after surgery, I knew that that was the most important thing the Dr. had focused on when we talked about my recuperation. At my highest weight I was 430 pounds plus. The day I was going to see Dr Keil I was 409 pounds and when I had the surgery I was 369 pounds. Today I am 204 pounds and I feel like a totally different woman. The changes have not been easy. I still find it hard to find my space in the world, being a large person for so long offered the spectrum of invisibility and criticism that made me a very strong person. I developed a lot of what I did as a person surrounded by this larger than life beautiful woman and here I am devoid of all of this and I find myself loss. Why do I talk about this because when people are thinking of bypass surgery this is one of those subject that is never really talked about. People talk about missing food. I don't miss food I eat what I need to but really don't focus on food because for me that is not important. I have developed healthier eating habits that have been embraced by my family and that makes me feel that my grandsons will have the perfect balance in their lives when it comes to food. Jimmy would much rather eat a clementine than eat candy. I love watching him use his motor skills to peel an Orange for a kid with sensory autism issues that is a big deal.
My biggest issue when it comes to the weight loss is finding myself and embracing the new person that is emerging from the layers of fat that have protected me all these years. As a victim of Abuse it was very easy for me to hide behind this fat and be invisible to others and be accepted by others on my terms. Now as the fat goes away the person that is emerging is dealing with so many emotional changes I felt it was necessary for me to take a break and try to find me. The truth is that I have not found me yet but what I do know is that unless I embrace the person I am today and all the implies I can't love me. I loved this big woman that always had something to say and now I find myself thinking twice what I have to say, part of it is because now people listen more our society is that way, but part of it is that I feel I have lost my voice and that the world is not ready for anything I have to say. These thoughts are not the reality of who I am so I struggle with this person that looks at me in the mirror everyday. I look and I have a hard finding me, I know I am there but it does not look like me and it does not feel like me and right now the truth is not easy for people to understand, so I smile and I embrace the changes because I know I am a beautiful woman inside that has for so many years given of herself to her family. I know that I travel this road I will find me and in this finding I will rejoice life is all about fluctuations and change and I always have embraced changes.
I think one of the reasons the changes have hit me so hard is because they have been so fast, in a year in lest than a year I lost more than 200 pounds, I have had three surgeries and I am on disability from work, my routine is different than when I was working. I focus on myself and my body I walk, do exercises and make sure I create. I thank my lucky stars everyday for the Scrapbook superstore and the wonderful owner who allows me to be me and has embraced my creativity. The only reason I am still sane has to do with them. I want to talk more about the lost of self in another entry not because I am still lost but because I am sure that there are people out there dealing with the same thing and I hope I can help. The list of first I have been able to do in the few months keeps growing so I need to document all that and also that I have lost over 80 inches all over my body. So although my life as always is not a calm oasis I would not change a thing because it is my life and everyday is an opportunity for growth and to learn. I realize that if I don't grow within the changes that are happening to me I will not become centered and life for me is all about that. I want to make sure Sylvie my best friend in cyber world knows I love her and I am always here for her, and the ladies at scrapbooking PR know I always think of all of you and you are always in my heart. My hermanita Eva te quiero mucho, Jeffrey I love ya! Mami and Papo thank you for all you do to me and Damaris I will never forget the words we shared after my surgery. To all you reading this is the blog world remember life is what you decide to make of it, embracing the you that is here today will help you become a better person tomorrow, remember a smile is free and when you give one you can make somebody's day. Peace out Hugs Wanda
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They say a picture is worth a thousand words so I look at these photos and I am overwhelmed by the emotions I feels when I look at them. Zion keeps growing and delighting us and Jimmy is a wonderful big brother. Nyome loves being a mom a it shows. Life has not been easy for her but she keeps focused on her kids and that in the end is really what matters. When you bring children into the world they come with no instructions, so it is up to us to make sure we protect love them and guide them, so they can become all they want to be. I reflect on this because as my kids get older and they are having children of their own and I see that my teachings have not been in vain. So life while not easy or simple is moving forward.
Today I want to talk about my feelings after almost a year of having gastric bypass surgery. I want to make sure that people understand that these are just my thoughts and a way for me to heal and make sure that if anyone is going through the same kinds of things they know they are not alone. I feel as this journey continues that sometimes I am alone but that is just part of the process.
When I was 429 pounds a year ago and looking at a double knee replacement, I had done a lot of research about this surgery. For three years me and my DR had talked about the possibility of doing this because all the traditional methods I had tried for years were not working. I had changed my whole lifestyle and eating habits of all my family and everyone was healthier and I was not, I kept gaining weight. SO as my work with Dr. Keil moved on and I read more and more about the surgery I decided this was something I needed to consider and I did. I started seeing the team at Dean Clinic and the rest is history with all the documentation on my medical file and almost six months of a supervised diet my surgery was approved and the road to change was about to begin. On Dec 12, 2006 Dr Sunby operated on me and this new me started to emerge. The healing of my scar was pretty good. I only had one hot spot and that healed after a month of so. AS the weight came off my body began to shift and change, my abdomen became bigger than the rest of my body and in May I had a panniculectomy and that brought many other changes so very positive and some kind of hard to deal with. In October of this year I had to have a Hernia repair and mesh reconstruction of my abdomen. That healed pretty good and I finally feel like I am gaining my strength a little by little life is getting back to normal. Did I know when I started this journey that all this was going to happen? Would I still have done it if I had known? The answer to all those questions is yes, because when I had this surgery I was doing it for me and so that I could run around after my grand kids and be there for them as they got older.
People have asked me if I have regrets and do I miss food? My answer to them is not really I don't miss food because I can eat almost anything I just eat small quantities of food. I have to be aware what I put in my mouth because some foods can make me sick but that is about it. The regrets if any have to do with the lost of self and no knowing what my space in the world is anymore and those things are not concrete enough for people to understand. I finally feel like I can talk about this because though working with my Dr and my therapist I am learning that healing is a process that needs to be embraced so it can be an effective tool not only for you but for those affected by you. I know that I don't exist in a vacuum and my family and people that I love are there and I need to be there in the moment with them regardless of what might be going inside my head. So everyday I realize that even though I may be struggling with my inner thoughts and feelings I keep going on because I know that there has to be an answer inside of me to the conflicts that are deep inside of me.
The struggle I have has to do with the space I occupy in the world, as a big person my persona seemed to be larger than life and powerful, for a long time I was not feeling that way. I was feeling lost and mourning the lost of me. I have lost over 200 pounds and that is a full sized woman in itself, and in losing her I almost lost me. I looked at myself in the mirror and I could not recognize me, I would put on clothes and be lost in them and then I started loosing my hair and life as I knew it really changed. All my life the one thing that had defined me was my beautiful curly hair and as it kept falling so did all the layers I was using to hide. I realize know that part of the reason I have felt so lost is because being a big woman protected me from dealing with the issues of abuse and lost I had as young kid. As the fat came off the insecurities came out and the me I had so hard to work to create became the seven year old who did not know how to protect herself from the predators that where around her. I have never felt so vulnerable in my life, there was almost a fragile quality to this new me that was emerging and I was really sure I did not want to be a fragile woman. All my life I had worked so hard to be the person I was and all that was lost and I had to find it in order to get better, not only physically but emotionally.
This process is continuous I find myself always making sure that I analyze the reasons why I do the things I do. I try to not take for granted what I have and I try to share with other my experiences to see if they can help anyone. There is still a part of me that feels I have betrayed all the beautiful big people out there that embrace who they are everyday. The people I fight so hard to make sure they are not discriminated against. Fat jokes and making fun of big people are such a staple of our society and I know the cruelty that comes from that. Being fat has given me a different perspective on the way the world deals with discrimination. some one said to me once you have a double whammy you are fat and a Latina woman. I told that person well I have double the love to give, but as I lost the fat the insecurities and pain where so strong I knew I needed help. I am feeling better and I embraced my baldness and the lost of all those layers of fat and I am learning that each day is an adventure that I have to embrace. I know I still have more work to do but as long as I realize this the battle is half won. I have more to share about this so keep reading my blog to find out what I am doing.
I have included images of me through out this journey so you can see some of the changes. Remember to embrace the you that is inside and that faults and all you are a beautiful person. That my friends is a lesson I will never forget. Much love and hugs Wanda
